Q: My nearly 8-year-old son made fun of our next-door neighbor’s
biracial daughter’s skin color. The minute he realized how wrong he
was, he became very upset and tried to go back and apologize but
the girl had locked herself in her room and wouldn’t even talk to
her mother. My son then wrote her a very moving apology. I feel his
remorse but am baffled as to how to discipline this. He has said he
wants to be grounded until school starts but that is hard to
implement with so many activities. The ironic thing is that he’s
always the kid who reaches out to those who are different. Our
neighbors are dear friends and I would hate for this to affect our
relationship. I would appreciate your advice on how to reprimand my
son.

A: I have bad news and good news, and I’ll give them to you in
that order. The bad news is that verbal bullying is just as
characteristic of a developing sociopathic personality as physical
bullying. The good news is that sociopaths, of whatever age, do not
exhibit true remorse when they’ve injured another person. They do
not feel bad about or accept responsibility for any harm they do
others, they do not spontaneously apologize, and they do not feel
that they should be punished. Therefore, your son is not a
developing sociopath.

This was obviously an isolated incident. If it was part of a
pattern, you would have reason to be concerned. And by the way,
your existing concern is significant because most parents of
developing sociopaths are known for being in denial concerning the
hurtful things their children do. So, further good news: You are
not an enabler.

You are a responsible parent of an 8-year-old who hurt another
child’s feelings, made a genuine attempt to apologize, and feels
worse about what he’s done than you could possibly make him
feel.

I’m going to assume that you’ve talked with him about the
incident, making your disapproval and your values clear. In that
case, I’d arrange for him to make an apology to the girl in person,
with all parents present. At that point, it’s up to the girl’s
parents to help her put this in proper perspective so that all
concerned can move on.

Q: Our twenty-six month old grandson has started finger-painting
on walls and furniture with poop when he wakes up from his nap. We
think he wakes up, poops in his diaper, and then “paints.” We’ve
tried talking and punishing and ignoring. Nothing has worked!
Help!

A: I think your grandson is trying, the only way he knows how,
to write “It’s past time for you guys to toilet train me!” Just for
you, I’m going to post on my website at www.rosemond.com a
column from the JR column archives on how to toilet train the way
your great-grandmother probably did, when toilet training was
generally accomplished before the second birthday and took less
than two weeks. In the meantime, cut his naps short and take him
straight to the potty after you wake him up.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on
his website at www.rosemond.com.