Do you like predictions?
Are you a fan of Nostradamus, Cassandra, Madam Marie, The Amazing Criswell and the lesser-known Unamazing Criswell The Vague?
I thought I’d try my hand at it after buying some fresh “AAA “ batteries for the crystal ball up at Walmart.
And here’s a bonus prediction for you. I will spend another $6,000 this year at Wally World. Save money. Live better.
So here’s a month-by-month forecast for 2016.
January
Following an unfortunate fireworks incident last July, New York Giants defensive lineman Jason Pierre-Paul will still order four beers with three fingers.
February
I won’t be able to recognize one song by the British band Coldplay during the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. How about some red-blooded American Skynyrd and Freebird?
March
The Syracuse Orange basketball team will break my little healing heart once again as the NCAA Tournament proves it is no place for mild stroke victims.
April
India’s Siddharth Chitnis will be named MVP of the WorldTwenty20 Cricket Tournament after scoring 50 runs, seven wickets in 25 overs despite consuming a pregame meal of tamatar chutney and curry.
May
There will be no Triple Crown winners but You Can Scratch My Back in the third race at Belmont.
June
The finals of the Stanley Cup will be cancelled when the World Zamboni Union goes out on strike for better ice conditions.
July
All competitors in the Tour De France will be disqualified for steroids except for a French kid on a tricycle.
August
A-Rod will take a curtain call after a first-inning sacrifice fly.
September
After a 16-year playoff hiatus Rex Ryan proclaims Buffalo as Super Bowl champs.
October
The World Series will be cancelled in San Francisco due to a severe garlic fries shortage.
November
Over 50,000 runners take to the streets of the New York City Marathon while I veg on the couch with my remote.
December
After the usual 6-8 start Rex Ryan will proclaim he didn’t mean this year.
*****
I see on the ESPN ticker that Kersey native Joe Beimel is a free agent for the Seattle Mariners.
After making his MLB debut for the Pirates, the 38-year-old southpaw pitched for Pittsburgh (2001-03), MInnesota (2004), Tampa Bay (2005), the LA Dodgers (2006-08), Washington (2009), Colorado (2009-10), Pittsburgh (2011) and Seattle (2014-15).
If Beimel was an Egyptian he would be a nomad on a camel.
*****
Broadcasting Thursday Night Football on Saturday is very confusing to a former mild stroke victim.
