Emotions run high during the holidays, and fights among relatives can escalate. This is the year you want to avoid them altogether. Tziporah Rosenberg is a senior instructor in the departments of Psychiatry and Family Medicine at the University of Rochester Medical Center. We asked her about to how to keep holiday time peaceful, and some practical ways to diffuse family arguments.
How can people avoid temper flares and fights at family get-togethers?
Think about where the hot buttons might be. If you can see something coming before it happens, you may be able to prevent it. Set appropriate expectations. Use past experiences to help shape what you think may happen this time. Commit to yourself to be the best version of yourself you can be. Rehearse what you will say, and how you will respond if something challenging comes up.
What can people do if an argument gets out of hand?
Know when to call a timeout. Take a break to get some perspective, cool down, and give others the chance to do the same. Use that time to let more positive thoughts fill your mind. It’s like “changing the channel” temporarily until cooler heads prevail. Remember, the only one we can really diffuse is ourselves. So invest your energy on defusing yourself rather than trying to change someone else.
How can people keep their own reactions under control?
Take a deep breath. It may be just the thing to pull you out of emotion and think more rationally. That breath, especially if we can stretch it out, gives us a few seconds to decide, “Is this worth it? What will happen to my enjoyment of the holiday if I get stuck in this?” The deep breath is a chance to practice some self-talk, check in with our own reactions, and think through our feelings.
How can people avoid family members with negative attitudes?
Often when someone gives off negative vibes, there’s something important at the root of it: fear, sadness or worry. Consider what that negative person may be feeling, and it can help make it feel less like of an attack. Show them some compassion and generosity, and it may actually go a long way.
