‘REAL’ BOATERS: You think the rainy and cool summer is bad? Be
grateful you don’t own a boat!

With a nod to these brave “salts,” particularly those trying to
made the best of it on the Kinzua Dam this summer, we pass a
humorous look at boat ownership as provided by the Boat Owners
Association of the United States. If you’ve ever owned a boat,
you’ll be able to relate.

You know you are not a real boat owner until you have …

– Forgotten to install the drain plug before launching the boat.
Suddenly realizing you’re ankle deep in water, scrambling to
contort over the transom to install the plug, or rushing to get the
boat back on the trailer faster than a NASCAR pit crew really means
you’ve arrived in recreational boating.

– Contracted a case of “raccoon eyes.” Caused by permanently
attached sunglasses and the sun’s rays reflecting off the water,
the “raccoon eyes” look is characterized by a mask-like whiteness
around the eyes surrounded by sunburned cheeks, nose and forehead.
Cold, rainy weather is the only known cure.

– Sent boating-themed holiday cards: Sailing Santas, lighthouses
with Christmas wreaths, Rudolph pulling a boat full of toys,
boating-themed holiday cards keep the boating bug alive in the
darkest winters.

– Purchased a Jimmy Buffet CD: A favorite of sailboaters,
usually accompanied by a blender and a shaker of salt attached to a
tether so it does not get lost.

– Started shopping for a bigger boat the day after you buy your
first one: Also known in the psychological field as
“three-feet-i-tis,” this disease is characterized by irrational and
envious thoughts of larger vessel ownership.

– Sanded the boat’s bottom, varnished the hull, replaced a plank
and enjoyed every minute of it: For old boat lovers, nothing gives
a better sense of pride knowing you made your classic look more
wonderful than a fine piece of antique furniture.

– Seen a sunrise over a glassy waterway and realized you are in
heaven: Most “real” boaters understand that boating and sailing are
medically proven to lower blood pressure, whiten teeth, lower
cholesterol and delay the aging process.