Have you ever logged on one of them new-fangled computers and
checked out that world-wide interweb thing?
I swear you can type any word you want in that Goggle or Google
or whatever it’s called and learn real important stuff without
going to the library. You can surf or smurf or whatever it’s called
for hours and even quit your job to make money on e-Bay. I just
sold this column for 25 cents.
Because I’m basically lazy and had no topic this week, I typed
in “college football quotes” and there was a list of the top quotes
of all time. Some are funny, some aren’t and the ones I didn’t
understand were removed. But more importantly, all of them are
taking up valuable sports department space which would otherwise go
to a bass fishing tournament or NASCAR drivers on steroids.
#1. A sign outside an Arkansas church before the 1969 Game of
the Century between unbeaten Arkansas and unbeaten Texas read,
“Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal.
Nevertheless – Beat Texas.”
#2. Florida State head coach Bobby Bowden once said, “After you
retire there’s only one big event left and I ain’t ready for
that.”
I’m ready and I’m wearing my blue leisure suit.
#3. Former college head coach and current ESPN studio analyst
Lou Holtz once quipped, “The man who complains about the way the
ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.”
A ball must’ve bounced off Holtz’s head because he predicted the
Notre Dame Fighting Irish will win 11 games this year. Their next
10 games must be against Coastal Carolina.
#4. Former Alabama quarterback and chic magnet Joe Namath once
said, “When you win, nothing hurts.”
#5. Lou Holtz again, “Motivation is simple. You eliminate those
who are not motivated.”
#6. Former head coach Frank Leahy probably ticked off most of
the Notre Dame professors when he exclaimed, “A school without
football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study
hall.”
#7. Former Ohio State head coach and sideline puncher Woody
Hayes once admitted, “There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like
getting the hell kicked out of you.”
Didn’t Wannstedt say that after the Bowling Green game?
#8. Underachieving former Nebraska head coach Bob Devaney once
said, “I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA
probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an
investigation.”
#9. Former Georgia head coach Wally Butts (Seymour’s brother)
once proclaimed, “In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn’t
believe in Bear Bryant.”
#10. Alabama arithmetic teachers were up in arms when Bear
Bryant said, “It’s kind of hard to rally around a math class.”
#11. When asked if Fayetteville, Ark., was the end of the world,
Lou Holtz explained, “No, but you can see it from here.”
#12. Frank Leahy was strict with attendance when he said, “Lads,
you’re not to miss practice unless your parents died or you
died.”
#13. Former Iowa player and “Blazing Saddles” horse-puncher Alex
Karras said, “I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for
two terms – Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.”
I can relate to that. I started at Pitt-Bradford in 1969 and
what time is it now?
#14. Former Michigan State head coach Duffy Daugherty lamented,
“Our quarterback could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for his
grades.”
Well, that sums up my collegiate problem right there.
#15. Former Auburn head coach reminded his players, “Always
remember… Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David.”
Yea, but I found out early in life that a well-placed rock evens
the spread.
#16. Former Texas Tech head coach Spike Dykes admitted, “They
whipped us like a tied up goat.”
Boy, that really takes me back to the college days.
#17. Former Oklahoma State and Dallas Cowboy great Walt Garrison
asked Texas coach Darrell Royal why he didn’t recruit him and Royal
said, “Well, Walt. We took a look at you and you weren’t any
good.”
#18. Florida State head coach Bobby Bowden once told a player,
“Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the
steering wheel.”
#19. After former USC head coach John McKay’s Trojans lost 51-0
to Notre Dame, his postgame message to the team was, “All those who
need showers, take them.”
#20. This anonymous quote can be applied to any losing football
program, “If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a
great education.”
#21. Knute Rockne once said, “The only qualifications for a
lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be
dumb.”
#22. Spike Dykes once confessed, “Oh, we played like three tons
of buzzard puke this afternoon.”
I’ll have that on toast with a side of home fries.
#23. Rockne also said, “I’ve found that prayers work best when
you have big players.”
#24. While at Texas Tech, Bear Byrant warned his running backs,
“Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble
this football.”
And finally #25. My favorite quote of all time comes from the
Dude in “The Big Lebowski” when he said, “Yeah well, that’s just,
ya know, like your opinion man.”
#5 Ohio State at #1 USC
Yeah well, this is just, ya know, like my opinion man….USC by
14.
#2 Georgia at South Carolina
Georgia will play like buzzard puke….South Carolina by 7.
#3 Oklahoma at Washington
I like my buzzard with a little sweet and sour sauce….Oklahoma
by 17.
Nevada at #6 Missouri
Nevada has a football team?….Missouri by 35.
North Texas at #7 LSU
Watch out for Ike….LSU by 38.
#9 Auburn at Mississippi State
I smell an upset and a just-out-of-the-oven buzzard
dish….Mississippi State by 3.
#10 Wisconsin at Fresno State
One more upset as long as I’m getting things wrong….Fresno State
by 1.
Penn State at Syracuse
Syracuse has a football team?….Penn State by 31.
Iowa at Pittsburgh (next week)
Pitt has just eight days to get out of the contract after
mistakenly scheduling Iowa instead of Iona.
As I was taking a break from the arduous task of column writing,
I passed someone in the hallway wearing a “Titanic Swim Team”
t-shirt.
Does this kid think it’s funny that 1,517 people lost their
lives in the icy North Atlantic waters on April 15, 1912?
Am I to assume those 1,517 people did not make the swim
team?
Here are some of the rest of the games. The printer stopped
somewhere in the Midwest games. Sorry. You can pick the others. You
can do no worse.
Buffalo over Temple by 13, UConn over Virginia by 10, Clemson
over N.C. State by 17, Navy over Duke by 7, California over
Maryland by 16, Tennessee over UAB by 29, East Carolina over Tulane
by 15, Virginia Tech over Georgia Tech by 10, Marshall over Memphis
by 14, South Dakota over SE Louisiana by 3 (I’m getting desperate
here), Vanderbilt over Rice by 11 and Iowa over Iowa State by
9.
