(Editor’s note: This is the second in a series of stories in
recognition of National Child Abuse Awareness Month. Various
experts from agencies throughout McKean County spoke to The Era
about children at different age groups, what makes them vulnerable
to possible abuse and steps to take for prevention.)
Happiness and excitement usually come along with a baby’s first
steps – but then comes the “terrible twos,” a stage of development
at which children are at a high risk of abuse from frustrated
parents.
Dawn Ernst, Early Intervention teacher with the McKean County
Family Centers, explained the key for parents making it through the
“terrible twos” is “choosing the battles.”
“Children are becoming independent and doing things their way,”
she said. This is also the time that potty training usually begins,
which requires patience and consistency – and more patience, Ernst
said.
There will be mistakes and messes.
“Have a sense of humor about it, even when you are cleaning it
up,” she suggested.
“At this age, a child is very capable but doesn’t have the
ability to make decisions,” explained Gladys Lacourt-Pelka, family
development specialist and Strengthening Families program
facilitator at the Bradford Family Center.
A parent needs to focus on setting limits and protecting the
child, but still allowing them to make some choices for
themselves.
“Give them choices you can live with,” Pelka said. As an
example, she said to ask the child what he wants to do first –
brush his teeth or take a bath? The child gets to have some
control, but the choices are both positive.
The parent needs to communicate with the child in a clear,
straight and concise manner with a clear and soothing voice.
“Children at this age don’t like surprises,” Pelka said. “That’s
when you get temper tantrums. How can you avoid that red zone?
That’s where abuse happens.”
Instead of raising a hand to the child, use a time-out for
discipline.
“You can teach them to sit until they calm down,” she said.
“Consistency is very important with time-outs. If you give in, they
learn to manipulate.”
What is wrong one day is still wrong the next, and it deserves
the same punishment – or the child will not learn.
The recommended time for a time-out is one minute per year of
age.
Set a timer so the child knows when the time-out has been
completed, added Cindy Smith, family development specialist at the
Kane Family Center.
And the concept of wait-until-your-father-gets-home punishment
doesn’t work.
“They don’t have a lot of concept of time,” said Judy Harris,
maternal/child nurse manager at Bradford Regional Medical Center.
“The need to correct the action is when it is occurring.”
Factors that can head off a problem before it begins include
some simple steps, like consistency in schedules and rules.
“Keep a regular schedule,” Ernst said. “If (kids) are
over-tired, they may throw a tantrum.”
“You know your child. You take preventative measures so they
don’t lose control,” Pelka said. “You need a support system –
someone to sit with the child while you take a break.”
Horrible things have happened to children in this age range, she
said. “They don’t want to be told what to do.
“Along with prevention, we have safety in the house. With
parents, I get down on all fours and ask parents ‘what do you
see?'” Pelka said. From the child’s level, the world is an
interesting place to explore. “They are discovering. If you don’t
want them to get into something, move it.”
Duane Wolfe, director of Children and Youth Services for McKean
County, explained much of the problem parents have with children at
this age level is an issue of control.
“You are responsible for them, but you aren’t doing everything
for them,” he said. “It leads to frustration.”
Lee Sizemore, director of prevention programs for The Guidance
Center, said a free program offered through the Family Centers
called The Incredible Years deals with all those issues. It teaches
effective use of play, praise and reward, how to set clear limits
and how to handle misbehavior.
Smith explained that toddlers learn best by a parent showing
what the proper behavior should be.
“It’s good to have rules to explain what you want them to do,
not what not to do,” Pelka said. Don’t tell them not to jump on the
table; tell them to sit in the chair because jumping on the table
could cause them to get hurt.
There’s also redirection – focusing the child’s attention on
another activity to draw them away from bad behavior.
Make sure the rules are clear and easy for the child to
understand. “Some parents have 20 rules, and the child can’t
understand them,” Smith said.
