WHAT A STINK!: Would you believe “”Malodorous Fest”” rather than
“”Stinkfest””?![neWLine]

The “”politically correct”” police are at it again! The state
has launched a campaign to tone down East Bradford’s annual
“”Stinkfest”” so as not to offend the more refined urban tourists
expected to attend – and that includes the name
change.[neWLine]

East Bradford merchants, who have also been told that the
traditional outhouse races are not acceptable in their present
form, have vowed to fight what they see an attempt to ruin the
authenticity of the festival which features many dishes made with
the “”malodorous”” leek followed by copious amounts of
beer.[neWLine]

We’ve been told that this whole problem developed with state
tourism organizations which have been promoting the 12-county
region as the so-called “”Pennsylvania wilds.””[neWLine]

Even Gov. Rendell, himself a resident of Philadelphia and a
strong proponent of the “”wilds”” campaign, has urged the locals to
change their tactics to appeal to better-bred outsiders who already
think of us as hillbillies.[neWLine]

“”This is outrageous,”” said East Bradford Merchants president
Mike Smith in response. “”We have paid for their football stadiums.
They can put up with our belches!””[neWLine]

The first line of defense against the potent beer and leek
combination will be sensing equipment monitored by the Department
of Environmental Protection, Department of Conservation and Natural
Resources, Pennsylvania Game Commission, the Environmental
Protection Agency, and the FDA.[neWLine]

No public eruptions will be tolerated.[neWLine]

If any are detected, residents will be required to wear Odor
Eaters on appropriate orifices for the duration of the
festival.[neWLine]

The outhouse races can go on as scheduled, but organizers will
be required to provide equal facilities for men, women, and the
handicapped.[neWLine]

Rendell cited a comment from New York gubernatorial hopeful
Elliot Spitzer who recently caused a stir across the Southern Tier
by likening it to “”Appalachia.””[neWLine]

And the Stinkfest, Rendell said, would further the stereotype –
however true – that the Northern Tier is also part of
Appalachia.[neWLine]

“”We have sunk good taxpayer money into that campaign and we
don’t want to see it wasted,”” he added. “”It’s a gross misuse of
tourism funds!””[neWLine]

“”Gross? They want to see gross? We’ll show them gross!”” said
Smith. “”Maybe that way they’ll leave us alone! We are certainly
capable of putting the ‘wild’ back in ‘Pennsylvania
wilds.'””[neWLine][neWLine]

GOTCHA?: Probably not, but we always have a good time writing
our annual April Fool’s Day RTS.